Open letter from an alcoholic
Life was easy. My family, schools, and varsity bred me to win and I did. Exams, sports and work were challenges to take on and defeat. Other people were a challenge; I had to beat them like a gentleman.
Being intensely competitive at everything was great when I was winning, impossible to bear when I started losing. I could build on success but I had no idea how to re-build after failure. Success or failure, there was no middle ground. It was a tiring and lonely existence.
I had to be better than everyone, including girlfriends, so of course I was lonely. I had lots of friends and acquaintances so I didn’t realise I was lonely. Why? Because I always drank with my friends.
I was reared in a culture of drinking. After exams, sports and work, a drink was customary. I was even a competitive drinker. I could out-drink anybody and still get the girl – at least that was my self-image.
But if I didn’t win then drink became my solace. Gradually, I even began to drink more after things I had done well. In the end I had to have a drink before doing things I used to do well.
Have you ever found pool, darts or golf easier after a drink? Is it easier to apologise to your spouse over a drink? Ever had a drink before a hectic work meeting – makes it easier, doesn’t it?
Life remained easy for me because my life narrowed by the day. I had little ambition at work, my sports were waning and my relationships came and went. My future would have involved more bar stools, more drink and little else. You cannot fail if your only target in life is to get through work to get to the bar again.
What kept me in denial about my alcoholism? Apart from my own pride, my image of an alcoholic was someone living in rags on a park bench. This is now termed a low-bottom alcoholic.
I was a high-bottom alcoholic. I had the semblance of a normal life – friends, a job, some status, and somewhere to live. But inside my life was narrow, hopeless and desolate. If I had not asked for help when I did, I may have ended up on that park bench in the future.
What saved me? A place where I can meet people who understand me and my problems with alcohol. What keeps me safe from drinking? My Higher Power and the meetings of AA.
I am still competitive but I don’t need to win all the time. I’m less lonely because I don’t have to win every time I meet someone. I have more energy and a broader life. I am not alone. Life is not easy, but it is okay.
Teddy, by email
Alcoholics Anonymous meet in Plett at The House of Steps next to Piesang Valley Community Hall on Mondays and Wednesdays from 7-8:30pm, and Saturdays from 6-7:30pm. Tuesday meetings take place at St Peters Church Hall from 7-8pm. If alcohol is no longer your friend, call 073 599 7317 (local)or 0861 HELPAA (435722).
Source: CXpress