Finding peace through the storm – self realisation

Two years ago I gave myself the best gift ever, the gift of Vipassana Meditation, which I still practice to this day. Here is a bit of insight into what the experience was like. I hope you enjoy reading about my amazing experience.

Imagine a place cut off from the rest of civilisation — no TV, no phones, no newspapers, no reading or writing material. A place where no person, religion, scripture, or book tells you what to do or judge you for the path you choose to walk.

You wake up at 4 am and meditate for 10 hours a day. The last meal of the day is lunch at 11 am – “REALLY??? Are you out of your mind?” I said, “I am here to walk my Spiritual Path and will do whatever it takes.”

You live here in complete silence with a hundred other people who you can’t talk to or make eye contact with for ten days. Sounds crazy?

Welcome to the world of Vipassana meditation, a boot camp for the mind.

If I knew how tough it was going to be, I would have chickened out, but I am a determined ageless hippie, with a rock and roll heart and a never ending hope for peace.

With that thought in mind, I checked into the meditation centre in a rural area, about 13 km from Worcester, on a sultry Wednesday afternoon and surrendered my phone, my wallet and myself for ten days.

The worst was leaving my husband behind and acting bravely as if everything was ok. I was riddled with emotion.

We were woken up at 4 am the following morning by a loud gong and bells – what a beautiful, pleasant sound to hear first thing in the morning.

The meditation started at 4.30 in the Dhamma Hall, where we all sat like little Buddha’s, with blankets wrapped around our heads and bodies, freezing our butts off! At the start of meditation, all we heard was chanting, in a language, we did not understand, yet it sounded pleasant and positive.

There were just a few simple instructions given on how to observe your breath as it comes and goes. For 3 whole days, we just sat there observing our breath with our eyes closed. I thought to myself this is going to be easy — no mantras to learn, no auto-suggestion — just observe the breath. A few moments later I realised how difficult it really is to ‘just observe the breath’.

In a few breaths, my mind had wandered; it had drifted to some old memories which triggered thoughts, plans and worries about the future. I was hurtling at great speed between the past and the future,  unable to concentrate on the simple task.

Soon I was finding myself wrestling with thoughts of ‘Please do not chant again,’ to ‘please chant again’ – so many emotions were going through my mind.

I never thought my body could feel so heavy and so painful from sitting all day.

Then, there was the wrestle with trying to get a good couple of hours of sleep at night as well. I am an early riser and soon found myself drained by lack of sleep.

Vipassana means insight, or to see things as they really are.

The first insight I had was about silence. I realised that even in a quiet environment conducive to meditation, the main noise was not from the outside, but from within my head.

My mind was chattering non-stop — commenting, planning, worrying, judging, liking and disliking, hating and loving – crying and crying.

The absence of external sound is not what silence is about and this was my biggest problem, my mind was busy all the time.

I was recreating “Sankhara’s”, negative thoughts, and reactions all the time. Not an easy habit to break, if you are a very reactive person. With me things are either wrong or right and nothing in between.

An even bigger insight was to find that the tool I use to make decisions every day — my mind — was not in my control. It refused to co-operate at any level. It was too busy hurting, judging, hating,  despising, and trying to love and find peace all at the same time.

During the evening discourse, it was explained that the problem of a wandering, uncontrolled mind was universal, and it needed to be trained with patience and persistence.

You need to break the old behavioural patterns of the mind. Teach it to be “Equanimous”…  Excepting that ‘It is, what it is’ – to be mindful and objective – doing and reacting with nothing but love and compassion.

You need to unlearn to judge, react, hate, despise along with all these things we have allowed ourselves to get away with.

Far from being an ageless hippie with a never ending hope for peace, this was turning out to be a wrestling match with my mind. I felt negative and I am not a negative person. However, little did I realise that this was just my mind in a desperate attempt to resist change.

After a few days of observing the breath for 10 hours a day, and being in an upright position for 19 hours, between walking or sitting in a meditative state – my mind became quieter.

The intervals of pure observation became longer, and five days into the intense meditation, a strange thing happened: silence finally turned up.

Vipassana is not about silence or a heightened sense of awareness.

Vipassana is about observing reality as it is. Along with the pleasant sensations of quietness and calmness, unpleasant sensations also came up. Bad memories, painful experiences, people and events that had caused me pain and hurt surfaced. However, instead of reacting with bitterness and hurt as I had done before, I observed the emotions rise, and after a while, they passed away.

For 10 days, I was between silence and pain, the pleasant and unpleasant, and I did what I was asked to do – observe, which at times it was so difficult to do.

On the 7th day, I had an absolute meltdown. My brain was tired and retaliating in a big way. I made an appointment to speak to the teacher, only to find that by the time the opportunity arrived, I was too emotional to speak and I burst out crying,

I heard myself begging, “Please don’t make me do this, I can’t do this anymore – my brain can’t relate to the word ‘Equanimous’. It wants to scream every time I hear the word – it is too much!”

The Teacher explained that I needed a break, however, I needed to give myself permission to do so. That night I had a nightmare. I screamed so loud that I was sure I had woken the entire block. Thankfully I managed to fall back to sleep again. When I woke up I felt exhilarated and so refreshed.

I thought, my goodness I have slept through the wakeup gong. I quickly dressed and decided to walk to the Dhamma Hall to join the meditation.

The hall was in darkness – I must have been so tired because I had slept through the breakfast gong. I proceeded to make my way to the dining hall – into pitch darkness through the field. I reached the dining hall and everything was in darkness. I stood there in the dark and the still of the night totally bewildered. I felt change going through my entire body. I felt light and at peace…

A BIG realisation came to me – it was finally time to STOP torturing myself.

On the last morning, we prepared to go back to the real world; a world of noise, phones, emails, texts, arguments, and the continual struggle of just trying to get by.

My mind felt as though it had been placed through a wash cycle and all the muck had been cleaned out.

I looked around to say goodbye to silence and my elusive self-torturing partner – I couldn’t find her. It took a while for me to realise that she was still with me, but now in silence and I was now a happier peaceful ME!!

At the end of the 10 days, it occurred to me that on the day I realised I didn’t need to torture myself anymore, I had laid on the floor in the Dhamma Hall begging that I not be forced to deal with the old habits of my mind again. That was the day that change happened!

It is so easy for us to judge or just chatter along, say and do things that we are not aware of, and not even give it a second thought. As we began our journey through life, we allowed ourselves to be ruled by the EGO and self-centered, selfish ways.

What I learned over those 1o days, no highly educated person, book, scripture or lecturer can teach.

I learned self love, compassion, love, peace and understanding. But most of all I learned to be mindful “Equanimous”….. it’s a path of insight into the nature of reality, a path of ‘truth’ realization. In order to solve our problems, we have to see our situation for what it really is.

I might not always get it right, I AM human after all and I admit that I have low tolerance levels. However, when I fail, I am instantly aware and I do my best the next time.

I chose this path not because I am lost, I chose a path that does not judge. I chose a peaceful path with nothing but love, peace and compassion for the world that surrounds me.

I will constantly look back and remember with the fondest of memories, the spiritual path I chose to walk – a path that taught me self awareness.

I freed my mind and found my soul. Peace be with you!

Suzarne Ally v Jaarsveld