Mates to dates
Text: Tania Gomez. Photography: Ster Kinekor Movies
Source: This article is from the October 2011 issue of Cleo Magazine.
How to go from friends to a couple (by people who’ve done it).
Hands up if you’ve never developed a crush on one of your male friends? Well, look at that – no hands. Thought so. We’re not saying guys and girls can’t ever just be friends, but when you spend enough time with a member of the opposite sex – and have a pretty awesome time doing it – the odds that some feelings will start to develop sooner or later are high.
According to relationship psychologist John Aiken, “Attraction is influenced by people you spend a lot of time with and also who have similar interests and values to you. So, naturally, there are going to be lots of examples of people going out with friends where the chemistry’s developed.”
In fact, it’s so common that it’s been the basis of many a movie plotline, TV show and song. The latest offering being Anne Hathaway’s new film One Day (in theatres from September 23, 2011). The movie follows best pals Emma and Dexter (Jim Sturgess) over the course of their 20-year friendship. From the initial drunken hook-up at university that kicked off their friendship and onwards, Emma and Dexter showcase perfectly why it’s definitely an eventful ride when it comes to falling in love with a friend …
The first move
Much like Emma and Dexter, Annie met her now-husband Mark, both 27, at university. During that time, they became close friends and even consoled each other through several relationship dramas and tears.
However, taking that tentative first step into romance territory didn’t come easy – it took six years! When Annie was tipped off by a mutual friend that Mark was finally going to talk to her about his feelings, she admits her first reaction was panic.
“I didn’t know what I wanted to happen. I knew that I loved him and always had since he became my best friend,” she says. “I was so afraid that if it didn’t work out, I would lose so much more than a boyfriend.”
Worrying about the friendship is common and you do need to weigh up whether you’re prepared to risk it if things don’t go to plan. Aiken says it’s best to ask yourself the question: “How would I feel if I met him for coffee and he told me he’s met someone else?” If you’d feel a sense of regret and loss, then it’s a huge indicator that you need to act on those feelings.
Preparing a future
After realising that their 10-year friendship was something more, Lebo, 26, admits making the transition from friends to being a couple with her friend Luke, 27, was pretty easy. She says, “We knew each other inside out, so there was nothing to be awkward about. Sure, it felt odd the first time we had sex, especially as I know all of his sexual past! But once we got into it, it was fine.”
Aiken agrees there will be a few things that you’ll need to start from scratch. “You’re moving from ‘we were friends, we do this easily’ to ‘what do we have to agree upon in terms of running this relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend?’.” It’s a good idea to discuss issues you might not have talked about before, from the basics, like what you’re going to tell your friends and family, to bigger factors, like where you see yourself in the future and moving in together.
“it felt odd the first time we had sex, as i know all of his sexual past!”
Better bond
The upside of the friendship-to-relationship conversion is that you know each other better than anyone else and this often makes it easier and less complicated to move the relationship forward.
Louise, 24, got together with Tim, 25, two years after they first became friends. Fast forward four years and they’re now married; Louise admits being friends made the relationship easier. She says, “It was so much stronger. We knew how to make each other laugh and he’d have me in stitches nearly every day. He knew what I wanted in a relationship and vice versa.”
The even better news is that if you do make it work with a friend, the foundation of your relationship is further strengthened. Aiken says, “There’s a history there that makes [the relationship] very solid.” And, really, isn’t that the kind of love they make movies about?
Is your friend into you? Body language expert Allan Pease details the signs to look out for.
- Protectiveness: He does things like guide you through crowded areas. This shows he’s thinking about you and wants to take care of you.
- Preening: It’s instinctive in both men and women to adjust themselves when a potential love interest walks into the room. Watch for him to straighten his tie or smooth his hair when he sees you approach.
- Lots of questions: He takes a sudden interest in knowing everything about you, right down to what flavour ice cream you like.
- Crotch display: As unappealing as this may sound to some women, the crotch display is another unconscious gesture that men use to show their love interest. Facing straight on with thumbs in belt, or sitting with their legs apart in front of you, are both not-so-subtle signs he’s keen on you.
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