10 things dads should know
Forget sleepless nights, feeds and nappies – there’s so much more to being a new dad than just that.
Here’s the must-know guide. By Armin Brott, Worldwide Media.
Dear Mr Dad:
Question
My wife is seven months pregnant and even though I’m getting pretty excited about becoming a dad, the whole thing doesn’t seem quite real yet. I know things are going to change, but what am I in for and what can I do to prepare myself?
Answer
At some point, not long after the baby is born, just about every new father gets hit with a sharp jolt of reality: he’s a father – with new responsibilities, new pressures and new expectations to live up to. For some of us, this seemingly basic little epiphany comes early, before we leave the hospital. But for others, reality may not hit for a few days. Sooner or later, though, we all come to realise that our lives have changed forever. Sometimes the changes are subtle; sometimes not so subtle. But they’re almost always surprising.
1. You may be confused
If there’s one thing that sets the first few months of fatherhood apart from the next few years, it’s the confusing and often conflicting emotions you may feel. On the one hand there’s the virility, power and pride of having created a new life. On the other, there are feelings of helplessness when you can’t satisfy – or sometimes even understand – your baby’s needs.
2 You’ll discover a new and different kind of love
There’s no comparing the all-consuming love you’ll have for your child with the love you have for any other person. Maurice Sendak may have captured the feeling better than any other writer in a scene from Where the Wild Things Are, in which the monsters plead with Max not to leave them: “Please don’t go,” they say. “We’ll eat you up, we love you so.”
3. You’ll feel, ambivalence
One day, completely out of the blue, you’ll look at your baby and realise that the intense passion you felt just the day before has been replaced by a numb, hollow feeling. Do you know this child? Do you care? You’ll feel like bagging this whole dad thing and starting a new life somewhere else. Chances are the very next thing you’ll feel is incredible guilt at having had these feelings in the first place. After all, if you aren’t head-over-heels in love with your child 100% of the time, you’re not a good father, right? Wrong. Ambivalence is a perfectly normal part of being a dad and you’re going to have the same feelings dozens of times over the next 50 years. So get used to it.
4. You may get depressed
Even though most people think that post-natal blues are a woman’s thing, many guys get depressed after their babies are born. Our blues aren’t hormonally based like our partners’, but may have to do with returning to reality. When you were an expectant and new dad, people paid more attention to you and probably cut you a little slack. But after a few weeks, it’s back to the grindstone at work, plus you’ve got to deal with the bills, the sleep interruption and the extra laundry. That’s enough to depress anyone.
5. You’ll be afraid
The first few months are simply littered with fears: that you won’t be able to live up to your expectations of being a father; that you might not be able to protect your family; that you won’t be able to adequately provide for your family; that you’ll be too much – or not enough – like your own father; that you’ve made a horrible mistake. These fears are completely normal. Some will go away as your skills increase; others will go away in time. But sooner or later they almost all go away.
6. Your relationship will change
Before you became parents, you and your partner spent a lot of time together, but once your new arrival shows up, everything changes: now the focus is mainly on your child. You barely have time to sleep, let alone do the things that brought you and your partner together in the first place. If possible, try to carve out some time, even if it’s only a few minutes a day, to spend talking with your partner – about something other than the baby.
7. You’ll take your baby’s “opinions” very seriously
For the first six to eight weeks, your baby probably won’t give you much feedback about how you’re doing as a father: no smiles, no laughing, not much response at all. In fact, just about all he’ll do is cry. It’s very easy to take your baby’s lack of enthusiasm as some kind of referendum on your worth as a father. Don’t. If you back off, your baby will too. So hang in there for a little longer – it’s well worth the wait.
8. You’ll learn new ways of loving and being loved
Over the next few months, as you learn to master your baby’s cues and meet his needs, he will learn to love you and to express that love in the most amazing ways. And the first time that he coos at you or hugs you or falls asleep on your chest while stroking your shoulder, you’ll discover the true meaning of life.
9. You’ll talk about very different things than you used to
If someone told you a year ago that you’d be willingly participating in long discussions with your friends about projectile vomiting, leaky breasts, episiotomies, and the colour and consistency of the contents of a nappy, you’d have laughed yourself silly, wouldn’t you? But you’re doing it now, right? And you’re loving it too.
“Sometimes the changes are subtle; sometimes not so subtle.”
10. Your baby will teach you about planning and flexibility
Before you became a parent, getting ready to leave the house meant grabbing your wallet and car keys, and making sure the oven was off. But now, going on a trip to the grocery store with your baby in tow takes as much planning as an expedition to Mount Everest. That’s assuming that your baby doesn’t fill his nappy two or three times just as you’re walking out the door.
So welcome to the wonderful world of fatherhood. Embrace the experience and enjoy the new you!
Text by Armin Brott, Worldwide Media. Photography by Elite. Article was taken from the November 2010 edition of Living and Loving.
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