Special Skills Needed for Children of Divorce

Children of Divorce experience a Grief second only to the grief experienced through the death of a parent. Does your child have the tools to cope?

The rate of divorce in South Africa is on the increase and family members are often left asking these questions:

• “How can I help them understand what is happening?”
• “Is this normal behaviour?”
• “How can I manage their behaviour while caring for other children?”
• “What signs of distress should I look for?”

Children of divorce sometimes have mood swings that are more frequent and intense than children who are not experiencing divorce. Reactions depend on age, ego, temperament etc. While the divorce is in process, the intensity and frequency of parental conflict witnessed by young children increases the level of anxiety which is often displayed in their behaviour. You often hear people saying the phrase ‘he/she’s acting out’ but what exactly does this mean? Do parents truly understand what’s happening in their little ones world?

Divorce is a grief experience and the only other grief that surpasses this grief is the death of a parent. For a lot of children, divorce may be the first true grief they have experienced. Children feel as if their life has changed forever and often blame themselves, but they feel powerless to do anything about it.

Children are often caught in the middle of custody struggles and parental conflicts. All humans, regardless of age, react to stress with the typical “fight or flight” response. Because of this human response, it can take as long as 72 hours after witnessing or participating in a confrontation for the body and emotions of an adult or a child to return to normal. Unfortunately, during such times when the child needs extra understanding and patience, the parent has the least emotional energy to give to them.

Caregivers, nannies and grandparents provide Stability

The bond with a caregiver, nanny or grandparent may be the most stable relationship for the child during the time of divorce. Sensitive care providers can establish a safe, secure, and familiar place for children to rest and regain perspective on family life, although they may not have actively experienced a divorce in their family. Children have a fear of loss and abandonment. “What if my parent divorces me, too?” “What if I have to give up my room, my things, my friends, or my other parent?” The stability of a consistent caregiver provides security in the middle of chaos.

Psychological Reactions to Divorce

It helps to be alert to either subtle or extreme changes in the behaviour of children during the process of separation and divorce. Psychological reactions to stress are normal to all humans, but children are especially vulnerable to the following feelings:
• Sadness — Overwhelming sadness may manifest itself as whining, crying, or withdrawal.
• Guilt — “I must have done something wrong for my parents to get a divorce.”
• Fear — “What if he/she leaves me, too?”
• Embarrassment — “Nobody else has parents who live in two different houses.”
• Anger — “I hate anyone who hurts me, and I don’t trust anyone or anything I don’t understand.”
• Depression — Headaches, stomach aches, and low morale; extreme feelings of sadness, low self-worth, and continued emotional or physical isolation.
• Denial — “Leave me alone! My mom and dad will get back together.”
• Maturity — Becoming the little adult.
• Regression — “Babyisms” in speech and behaviour.

Divorce is never easy on the family system and children are more sensitive to changes than we realise or care to acknowledge. Children can’t use verbal cues like we can to communicate what or how they are feeling so we notice this non verbal communication coming out in their behaviour. Once you notice this behaviour, you are left wondering what is going on with them or what are they thinking and that you wish you had a better understanding so that a way forward is in sight.

You are not alone in feeling this way as a parent and never have to go through the motions alone. There is help at hand with Nicolette Meyer, Therapist and Life Coach at Life Psyche. She uses a tool that helps her tap into your child’s inner voice to gain insight into your child’s world. This insightful, internationally used tool helps one see things from the child’s perspective and thereby help understand what is going on within the child’s world. Once insight and awareness of what is going on is gained then simple strategies are devised for moving forward and restoring harmony.