Self-conscious? Dreading being in the spotlight?

Confidence. It can be learnt.

So you may be over this. But for the self-conscious person feeling vulnerable this is as real as anything. I know, as I have been there…

Attitude. It can be learnt.

I often watch people as they step into a bar or restaurant, looking for the person or group they are due to meet inside.

Of course there are the really confident ones, looking like they are walking into their own homes, whether it is a sheer act they are putting up (if they do it well most people are not able to tell), or whether they really are fully in charge of the situation. But then you get…

….The one hovering outside, searching for her compatriots (sorry, not to be sexist, but I find these are mostly females!) in a not-so-obvious way, busying themselves with their mobile phone.

…The one taking a full tour of the inside, pretending to be ever so nonchalant but with body language betraying – stiff shoulders, head facing straight ahead, eye darting around. And the complete shift in posture (relief!) when they do find their friends.

…The one announcing to the person at the door “I’m meeting friends”, and brushing past without explaining what the ”friends” look like, trying to limit time by the door (and in the spotlight) to not a nanosecond longer than necessary.

…The guy walking in eyes surveying everything and everyone – a sort of male assessment of the “lay of the land”.

…The one speaking loudly into her mobile phone (one has to wonder if they knew just how loudly, or whether it is on purpose!) “I can’t see you…where…where…oh <relieved giggle>…  I see you!”

…The one seeing someone else they know (person A), for whom they usually have zero time, and all but falling them around the neck, relieved they actually know someone. Until they find their actual companions at which point person A falls back into the abyss for them.

And what often makes it worse for the person feeling a bit self- conscious, whether they are meeting others or not, is the question from the door patron: “table for ….<unsure pause>… one?”

….And then the complete change once the new entrants are united with their companions inside, and THEY get to survey the people entering.

The tribal instinct – being part of a group

Many of us look fumble around when the imaginary spotlight (and it is really imaginary, because most are actually not paying attention!), falls on us, especially when “everyone else” (or so it seems) are in groups, having fun. Why is this? Is it because we feel vulnerable, “exposed”, when we – even if it is for a few seconds – feel we are not part of ‘the group’? Is it because somehow deep inside we can’t allow others to think we are not “belonging” – again even if it is for a few seconds? Is it an uncomfortable feeling (fear) that our friends may not have turned up without letting us know, even though we had confirmed they were going 10 minutes ago? And even if it may seem like a “little thing”, and if what I say may appear putting it down or tongue-in-cheek, I am aware that this kind of fear or self-consciousness is as real as anything.

Be that as it may, and whatever the reason, you become what you feel. So here are a few ways to feel more confident in these situations, which might help you to become more confident when you feel you are being “watched” :

1.       It is not about you

For the people inside it is not about how you feel or look, it is about how they are feeling (or think they are feeling). You are not in an awkward position stepping in, but the people already inside are feeling less awkward for it. For them it is about themselves. You might know this, but remember it.

2.       Fake it

The old adage certainly works. Study body language and behaviour of people you perceive as being confident in a public place, and practise it. Changing your physiology is a quick way to change your behaviour. It is called modelling.

3.       Know that you are being envied

It is true. Amongst things people fear the most, is to feel vulnerable, hence the common fear of public speaking. It is always easier to bark in a pack. Deep down they admire your guts when you dare to stand out and appear vulnerable. Again, remember this.

4.       Evaluate

Meet “them” on common ground. ‘Them” being the perceived onlookers (they are not really looking!). You are a new distraction – whether you are viewed as “competition” to those already inside, or whether to confirm their imaginary perception of power. If you are being evaluated, evaluate back. You may as well do it now, because once you are inside, it may be downright rude. Look them squarely in the eye and think of it as an “assessment” (but do not judge!). Above all, see it as opportunity to meet new people.

5.       Practice

Practice makes perfect. After a while you will not even feel awkward and even if you do, it won’t look like that way. Dare to step out of your comfort zone more often. The more you can do a “little thing” such as entering a public place on your own, the better you will be equipped for the real big issues.

6.       Ditch the mobile phone

Or whatever it is you cling on to as an anchor to make you feel “less awkward”. Why? Because it sometimes makes you look more self-conscious (refer to examples I cited above!).

7.       Breathe

The trusted, trusted old breathing exercise. Yes, ditch your mobile anchor as stated above, but use breathing as an anchor. Warning: this takes practice. We have long forgotten how to breathe properly at all, and in a stressful situation (when feeling exposed equals feeling stressed), this is usually the last thing on our minds. By constantly practicing mindfulness in other areas (including meditation), we will generally become more aware of this. And subsequently, feel less anxious.

8.       Smile

The clincher in every situation, as this is what everyone really needs. Be mindful of the possible reasons why a situation like this might be uncomfortable, and be aware that the others might also need a little help (even if it looks like they are comfortably united with their own packs). And once you have found you companions, return the favour to any newcomers.

About the author:

Celeste Du Toit is a transformational Life Coach, NLP Practitioner, Speaker, Healer and Workshop Facilitator based in Durban. She is the founder of YES Paradigm Coaching, a provider of individual, group, professional and online coaching programs, workshops, seminars and retreats.

Celeste is passionate about working with people who dare to dream or think out of the box, and who long for “something more”.  She has a peaceful, yet dynamic, joyful, and enthusiastic approach to life which makes her a sought-after coach, motivator and friend.

Connect with Celeste at celeste@yesparadigm.co.za or visit www.yesparadigm.co.za