Helping your Child make Friends

Each new school year, your child is faced with new situations, a new group of peers. How well is your child making friends?

Jane Doe had a son named David who was in a local preschool. David was a loner who played well by himself, he liked to draw pictures and had a passion for books. We acknowledge that everybody wears a ‘public mask’ around new people for a time but David’s mask was worn for a little longer than usual.

David is now 12 years old. He is still reserved with other children when first meeting them. Davids’ mother has taken great care to find ways to help and encourage her son to make friends.

Is your child similar to David?

The key is taking small and gentle steps that encourage positive social interaction without being too pushy. You will want to create rewarding social experiences for your children that will leave them wanting more of those interactions rather than feeling the pressure to do something which he/she finds difficult.

Kimberly Sirl, a child psychologist at St. Louis Children’s Hospital, says starting with someone whom your child seems to like is the way to go. You don’t want to just pick someone out and expect your child to be friends with that person. “You really want to pay attention to your child’s cues,” Sirl says.

Play dates offer a shy child a good introduction into having a social life. A few guidelines can increase the odds that he’ll have a good time. “If you promote a positive experience, your child is more likely to want to play again,” says Dale Walker, a professor of child development at the University of Kansas. Here’s what to do:

Keep play dates small.

Start by inviting only one or two friends to your house, preferably children that your child already knows.

Keep play dates short.

Between one and two hours is plenty for children you don’t want to overstimulate them.

Plan ahead.

Structure the play date around games and activities your child enjoys and is good at. “Maximize the positive interaction by making sure there are plenty of materials, so children have enough to play with and don’t necessarily have to share right off,” Walker says.

Get involved.

Try not to leave the kids to play by themselves and hope for the best. Your guidance can make children feel more at ease with each other, especially if they’re new friends.

“Mom or Dad can help get things going, then hang back once the kids get into a groove,” Sirl says.

Get a schedule.

To develop familiarity, try to arrange regular play dates with the same kids on a weekly basis. If things are going well, meet in a park or playground or at another child’s house.

Be a play date yourself.

Have regular playtimes with your child, just the two of you. This allows you to stimulate interaction while getting to know his playing style.

“You can get a sense of where your child struggles and when it is easy for him,” says Alison Ehara-Brown, a licensed clinical social worker who works with children and families in Berkeley, California.

Consider getting a pet.

Some young children just aren’t ready to play with peers. If your child clings to you and refuses to leave your side, consider adding a furry friend to the family. Playing with pets requires social interaction but is usually nonthreatening. “This can be a nice way for a child to feel safe and open up his feelings,” Sirl says.

Have your own friends over.

Since young children pay close attention to what grown-ups do and often imitate their behavior, model for your child by having your friends over, especially in ways that include the younger generation. Have a double play date with a friend who has children.

Don’t expect too much.

By the time your preschooler reaches the age of 3, his interactions with other children will be more involved. But younger preschool-age children play mostly side by side, imitating each other rather than playing together directly.

“Parents should never push very young children to play together; they have to be able to choose some things for themselves,” Walker says. “There’s a fine line there. You don’t want to really push friendship, but you can certainly set the stage for it.”

Get help if you sense a real problem.

In most cases, shyness or difficulty making friends in early childhood is normal. But a few red flags could indicate that something else is going on. If at age 3 your child rarely holds eye contact, is unusually withdrawn, doesn’t want to play with other children, or seems terrified of going to preschool or the playground, talk to your child’s doctor.

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