When mom’s away what’s the effect on parenting?
Text: Lungile Khumalo. Pictures: Thinkstock. Article from the July 2014 issue of Bona Magazine.
No one can take the place of a mother and when you are forced to work away from home, the dynamics of parenting can become challenging — but not impossible.
Six tips to make it work
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world. There’s no training involved, it’s just on-the-job work experience where you’re dealing with personalities that are constantly changing as they grow. You’re expected to know and fix everything, and you’re expected to teach and pass on valuable lessons in life – free of charge. It’s a huge job that starts the day your first child is born and never stops. However, the rewards are high… and that’s where good parenting comes in.
Today’s lifestyle often means that a parent – especially a mom, is required to work away from home to either keep a job or earn a decent salary to afford her family a better way of life. Long-distance parenting is challenging and stretches parenting skills to a whole new level – with the away parent working harder than ever to keep their relationship with their young children alive and well. But, it is possible to have a healthy, rewarding and meaningful relationship with a child even when you are far away. Here’s a look at some of the challenges and how best to handle them.
Respect Your child needs to understand that a caregiver – be it an aunt or a gogo – takes care of them on your behalf, so they must respect them as if they were you. The caregiver must be an extension of you, someone who won’t allow the rules to be bent just because mom’s away, and also won’t try to be better than you.
They need to understand that you will always be their mother, and must respect you for sacrificing life at home in order to afford them a good lifestyle, and financial support for a better future.
Tip: Have regular chats with the caregiver about any issues or concerns you might have.
Discipline Long-distance parenting can make you feel as if you are losing control of your everyday duties as a mother. But this doesn’t have to be the case. Do not stop disciplining your child because you feel guilty, want things to be nice and comfortable or because you are scared your child will rebel and reject you.
Your child needs to understand that distance doesn’t change the rules at home. It’s not a reason to break the rules and take advantage of the situation. You need to continue being consistent regarding family values, and loving your child does sometimes mean saying, “no”.
Tip: Don’t feel guilty about reprimanding your child. You are working away from home to benefit the family – it’s part of life.
Keep talking Communicating is one of the easiest ways of keeping in contact with your children and staying involved in what is happening in their lives on a daily basis. It will also help them to adjust to the situation.
The one downfall of long-distance parenting is that you won’t be there to give them a hug when they need it, so make sure that when you talk to them you stay upbeat, enthusiastic and positive. Listen to what they have to say and show an interest in all the little details in their lives. This will help them feel important, cared for and loved.
Tip: Always end conversations with your own personal “sign-out” message like, “I love you. Miss you lots.”
Plan ahead Separation hurts and is not normal in a family, so your little ones will need to know when they will see you again. Knowing this, will help them to deal with the separation. Not knowing when they will see you again can cause stress, which could have a negative effect on their schoolwork.
And for a young child, the time between one visit and the next can feel much longer than it actually is.
Tip: Plan a schedule of your visits in advance so that everyone knows what to expect.
Technology is your friend
Technology can make long-distance parenting easier. Cellphones, laptops, tablets, computers, emailing, instant messaging, Instagram, Facebook, WhatsApp, WeChat, Skype etc. will make your long-distance relationship richer and more rewarding.
A quick SMS can mean a lot to a child just before an important event. Whether it is a sports event, dental appointment, a friend’s birthday party or a big test at school, it’s up to you to keep a diary of activities taking place in your child’s life. A brief chat is fine every now and again, but don’t underestimate the power of seeing one another, talking, watching their expressions and seeing them laugh.
Tip: Get into the habit of sending a “hello” and “goodnight” SMS at the start and end of each day.
Quality time When you’re at home with your children, irrespective of whether it’s for a weekend visit or not, make this time together memorable. Besides family time, children cherish time alone with a parent they haven’t seen in a while, so plan some one-on-one time to do things together – from helping with school projects, going to a movie, trying out a new recipe for supper, or just watching TV together.
Tip: Your time together can be limited, so plan a family outing to the beach for example, where everyone can get involved.
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