How divorce affects children
More and more South African couples are divorcing. You hear the stories from colleagues at work, and swap tales of splitting relatives and friends over weekend braais.
According to Statistics SA’s most recent report of marriages and divorces, the number of divorces has spiked.
The report reads: “Couples from the white population group dominated the number of divorces from 2003 to 2007. Thereafter, black African couples had the highest number of divorces up until 2014. In 2003, 40% of divorcees were within the white population group, whereas 24,3% came from the black African population group.”
So, this leads to an obvious question. How does divorce affect children? Many believe the answer lies with the age of the child. It‘s been mentioned that a divorce will intensify the dependency of a child, aged up to 9-years-old. An older child, on the other hand, will become more independent.
Says psychologist Carl E Pickhardt: “Somewhat different responses to this painful turn of events occur if the boy or girl is still in childhood or has entered adolescence. Basically, divorce tends to intensify the child’s dependence and it tends to accelerate the adolescent’s independence; it often elicits a more regressive response in the child and a more aggressive response in the adolescent.”
Pickhardt recommends that parents who divorce with a child, establish a sense of family order and predictability by observing the three Rs – Routines, Rituals, and Reassurance. “Thus parents establish household and visitation Routines so the child knows what to expect. They allow the child to create Rituals to feel more in control of her life. And they provide continual Reassurance that the parents are as lovingly connected to the child as ever, and are committed to making this new family arrangement work.”
It’s important to remember that a divorce doesn’t have to negatively impact your child or scar them for life. Psychologist Robert Emery says: “The great majority of children whose parents divorce do not develop these kinds of serious behavioral or emotional problems. Most children from divorced families are resilient, especially when their parents do a reasonably good job managing the stress of divorce.
“These children — most children from divorced families — feel and function pretty much like kids whose parents are married. They are not ‘children of divorce’. They are what we want all children to be: just kids.”
Emery says it’s important that children be allowed to feel their emotions and parents can help ease their pain. “Even though many of these young people expressed longing about their parents’ divorce, these were resilient, well-functioning college students. You may not be able to fully protect your children from the pain of divorce, and you probably shouldn’t try. Children are entitled to their feelings. Children need to be allowed to grieve.”
If you’re a parent considering divorce, you’re understandably worried about how your children might be impacted. Will their marks fall, will they act out, will they hate you for putting them through a divorce? A Reddit thread asked children of divorced parents to share insights into how the split affected them. These are some of the responses from Redditors:
They acted out at school but took on responsibility at home. One commentator said he became withdrawn and shy at school but looked after his sister when at home. “My younger sister was even more confused than me, so seeing her scared turned me into a super protective and loving big brother.”
They felt relieved. Often children see their parents fighting and can see that their parents may be happier if they were separate.
They felt the financial strain. Divorce often means families have to experience the switch from a two income household to a more strained one income household.
They rebelled and played the blame game. It’s natural for children to get a little out of hand when they experience such a shift at home. “I refused to take responsibility for my own actions and blamed them for everything. I bought into the pity and coddling of those around me.”
They struggled, even if the divorce happened later in life. “I was 29 when my parents divorced… but it still hurt.”
They hated listening to one parent speak badly about the other. The reality is that these are a child’s parents. The parents may not love each other anymore, but the child loves their parents.
They’re happy to see their parents thrive. “My dad especially seems to be excelling at life now. I now realise that this is the best thing they could have done for themselves.”